I haven’t had the time to write recently and there has been so much happening, I wasn’t sure what to write about first.
As the first day of school draws near I have so many mixed emotions. The school holidays have dragged and at times have been extremely difficult. I have zero strength left to think about how I can fill a day with a non-mobile, non-verbal child. Having said that Edith is pretty easy going with whatever we do and I think it’s my own confused emotions/Mum guilt that makes it harder. If I let her, she would watch tv all day long; she literally wouldn’t make a peep, but obviously that’s not an option. We could go out for coffee but since we started the babycino trend, she will literally just shout (very loudly) during the whole outing unless she has one. I give in and then worry that this will be the one that goes into her lungs and put her in hospital with aspiration pneumonia. Walking around isn’t really what she enjoys either and if it’s an outing to the mall or similar she eventually gets bored (like any 4 year old) and the shouting starts again. The shouting may not be down to the fact she doesn’t want to do that particular thing, it could be that her nappy is wet and irritating her, she could be in pain or have wind, she could just be having a strop; the list is endless and half the time I never know. On a more positive note, we have had some wonderful times and made many beautiful memories. Edith’s new bedroom has made life a lot easier! Without that the holidays would have broken me.
School is going to be amazing for her because she is bored! Bored of me, bored of home, bored of the same old stuff. She needs new beginnings and surroundings to stimulate her and school will bring all of that. I feel totally comfortable that they will provide Edith with the important care that she needs and help bring out the best of her ability in all areas. At school Edith will have a curriculum tailored to her. She will do full school days filled with all the things she needs and loves. The school have a hydrotherapy pool, sensory dark room, a soft play room with a swing and ball pool and all of the equipment to educate and stimulate Edith in a way I never could.
I have lots planned to do but I am terrified that I won’t do any of it and just sit around crying! I find myself asking…myself, who am I without Edith, do I even know anymore? What if all the skills I have learnt prior to Edith have disappeared? My life, for the past 4 years, has been that little girl, and rightly so, but during this I have lost me. I think a lot of mums, special needs or not, would relate to this. What do I do now? What am I good at? I suppose I will just have to learn to be me again…whoever that is. I’m hoping this massive change will be a positive one for both of us, but I know that I need to do some serious searching for my self confidence again. The last 4 years have been such a rollercoaster and I have kept myself so busy with Edith, that all I feel confident in anymore is my ability to organise her life. I’m scared when it stops all I’ll be left with is the emotion of the last 4 years and that it will all come flooding out like some massive volcano erupting! Thankfully I have been very fortunate to meet some beautiful friends who I know will be there for me when I need them.
Edith will be getting the bus back and forth to school and this makes me nervous. The bus has an aid that looks after all the children on board. They don’t give out any information about the route or any of the children that will be joining Edith on the bus. Edith is so sensitive to noise and I worry that the other children may frighten her if they are loud or upset. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what it brings. We will be taking her for the first few days so maybe I’ll be able to gather some more information then.
As you know, Edith will be attending her first few weeks at school with a broken leg! This is not ideal but I’m trying to not make it into something it isn’t. She has been coping so well at home with me, there is nothing to say she won’t cope with it at school. The only downside is they will be restricted with what they can do with her – no swimming, no standing, no walker.
You can rest assured I will be totally spamming your newsfeed with first day pics when the time comes and will try and keep you updated with how it all goes.
As always thanks for reading x